The Matriarch Of Secrets
she tried to make up
to me and my family
for almost twenty years
but there just is no making up sometimes
she even showed up at my father’s visitation
not because he died
but because it was an opportunity
to try to weasel her way
back into good graces
but it wasn’t for us to forgive
and it all felt very insincere
so we smiled instead of screamed
doing our best to ignore her
and her acting and pretending
that we should all snap a happy photo
no acknowledgement
no self awareness
only fear
that somebody knew who she really was
that her secret is out
no guilt
no conscience
just taking care of herself
abusers don’t want
to be thought of as abusers
they want you to forget
and trust
and let them take control
the matriarch of a culture
who understood the consequences
an old lady now
broken
narrow
defined
groveling
wishing away all the damage
begging to be liked
sucking up
pure and simple manipulation
and I don’t want to participate
at a grandchild’s birthday party
we did our best to ignore her
until before leaving
and with desperate audacity
she appeared in front of where I sat
between two grandchildren on a stair
leaned down so close to me
that our noses may have touched
stared into my eyes
and whispered unconvincingly
the only words spoken between us for years
she said
she knew how happy
we would all be together
at family celebrations in the future
then she waited
with a limp smile
for something
so I waited too
I didn’t move
I didn’t say a word
I looked straight back into her
and all I saw was fear
and when she did pull away
she looked lost
I guess she didn’t get what she wanted
soon after that
I heard she’d gone inward
shutting herself off
until the end
there is no joy in any of it for anyone
and perhaps she had an epiphany
but if she did
it’s just another secret
in a life full of them
—DL Madsen
