The First Time I Met The Asshole With My Name
I pulled in the driveway
and he was on the front stoop
of my ex-wife’s house
stern face
button down dress shirt
hands stuffed in the pockets of dark trousers
an uptight accountant maybe
guarding the palace from audit
or insurrection
I’d never seen this guy before
maybe he was there to do taxes
but I sensed from my children
that something was different at mom’s
and this guy didn’t exude warm and fuzzy
it felt like an ambush
so I’ll just get the kids and go
but they weren’t outside
ah crap
my ex-wife got to the car
as I opened the door
which she never does
with a big smile on her face
which she never has
and in a semi sweet voice
which I don’t remember
said way too politely
I’d like you to meet someone
ah god please no
I didn’t need to meet these guys
unless they’re going to be around my children
nah nah surely not
then she stepped back
grabbed the dude’s arm
pulled him forward
gazed at him faux adoringly
and said nervously
Dean I’d like you to meet Dean
whoa whoa whoa whoa WHAT
WTF
W…..T…..F
I was stunned
and momentarily confused
who is she even talking to
I mean you gotta be kidding me
REALLY
SERIOUSLY
this new guy’s name
IS THE SAME AS MINE
is nothing sacred
you couldn’t find a Jim or Bill or Wally
maybe you could try harder
or did all the other guys
have my name too
there can’t be that many of us
in all of North America
and oh the irony of my ex
still screaming my name
like a banshee princess
without missing a beat
oh how convenient
and priceless
Dean#2 REALLY
a fresh and twisted thorn
in an already prickly twilight zone bush
but come on man
WTF
get your own name
#2 puffed up like a turkey
worked his right hand out of his pants
and thrust it toward me like a threat
a bit of overcompensation
maybe low self esteem
but an ominous moment
and I could feel it
this guy wasn’t right
I looked at his suspended paw
and followed his arm up to a sour mug
that looked like it’d been punched
more than a few times
luckily my sons
came bounding out of the house
shoeless
pushing and pulling each other
arguing
brushing by #2
bouncing to the car
and hopping in
#2 glared at them hard
then at me
and dropped his arm to his side
pumping his fist a little
like he wanted to punch something
oh that’s perfect
one more crazy person in this horror show
maybe pissed was his natural look
but it gave me an uneasy feeling
about my children being around him
the bad energy was palpable
my ex’s pleasantries
turned to fury in a hurry
which was her default true self
not the woman I married
but the woman I asked for a divorce
THERE’S SOME SHIT WE NEED TO GET STRAIGHT she barked
there we go
that’s the kind of talk I expected
but only one swear word
she’s really showing off
another circus performance
for some kind of crowd
this lady had refused to talk to me
even one time
about the well being of our children
since the divorce
so this getting something straight crap
didn’t sound like a cordial conversation to me
cut and run I thought
okay bye I said
jumping into the car
trying to practice avoidance
although I knew from experience
what was coming
LISTEN ASSHOLE she yelled
DEAN IS GOING TO BE IN OUR LIVES
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT
SO YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT
the new guy stood there
with a stink face
to end all stink faces
backing up his new prize
maybe ready for action
maybe he was a real tough guy
but the way he looked at my children
was disturbing
red flags snapped and sirens howled
and my sons had no shoes
but no matter
we were safe in the car
and started our getaway
but as I backed out
the ex stalked the car
with the snarl of a disrespected predator
ready to pounce
YOU’RE A TERRIBLE FATHER
BUY YOUR CHILDREN NEW SHOES
AND HAVE THEM HOME ON TIME she shouted
OR YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER
AND I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
awesome
what a winning personality
I wasn’t going to say anything
but I was still learning
remember I said calmly
you and I
are the parents
you and I
have the obligation
to keep our vulnerable innocent beautiful children safe
and you and I
decide together how to discipline
it was a futile exercise
she didn’t hear a word even if she did
and continued her pounding
YOU PATHETIC PANTYWAIST
YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
NO WOMAN WILL EVER HAVE YOU
YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SMART
WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT
AND BUY YOUR KIDS NEW SHOES
I rolled up the windows for quiet and peace
from a voice that could break the universe
leaving a crazed mime
gesticulating wildly
in the rear view
and as we drove up the street
I could feel #2’s dark beady eyes
penetrating the car
while the Fellini character of his dreams
danced cray cray in the yard
it’s all so absurd
but none of it’s funny
something evil had attached itself
to the lives of me and my children
it gave me a sick feeling I never lost
this new guy
with my name
felt like big trouble
—DL Madsen