Sylvia
ah crap. Sylvia. big hair. cat eye glasses. coming this way. smiling. I’m screwed. worked with her one day. an hour or so. brief generic jabber. then out of the blue she starts bringing me food. casseroles. always tuna and green beans. I try to politely decline. she doesn’t hear me. and she won’t take no. I take ‘em just so she’ll go away. I’m too damn nice. to everybody. it’s my curse. I blame my parents. damn it. she’s got a dish. please no. please walk on by. I still have two crusty untouched casseroles on my counter now. I don’t like ‘em. I don’t eat ‘em. so they sit. until my nice guy guilt subsides. then I toss ‘em in the garbage. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sure she’s lovely. but on a totally different planet. a 1950’s planet. how do I get into to these things. how do I get out. well. here we go. oh hi Sylvia. really. for me. again. you shouldn’t. oh green beans and tuna. what a surprise. no I didn’t exactly mean it was my favorite. I said my mother made it all the time. fish sticks too. part of my negative culinary childhood experience. but your cooking has a good personality. it’s just too much. for my one stomach. no I’m just saying I think others might enjoy your food too. the homeless. or Fred the janitor. maybe spread the joy. I’m more than happy to share. no I do appreciate your effort. I’m just taking kind of a food break. that’s all. from food. for my health. lifestyle change. what do you mean bullshit. wait. what. you’re kidding right. how can I dump you. I never picked you up. what are you even talking about. intense. passionate. are you serious. I didn’t feel anything. no I’m not trying to be an asshole. we barely talked. one time. what. I didn’t give you any kind of look. that wasn’t longing. I have watery eyes. and a twitch. what did you just call me. oh yeah well tuna and green beans make me gag. really. well you suck more. nothing’s over. there was nothing to begin with. wowa Sylvia. you are cray cray. OWWWWW. you just twisted my nipple off. I can’t believe you did that. why would I deserve it. don’t touch me. why are you crying. I should be the one crying. you’re making a big scene. I’m walking away now. let’s both just walk away. happy. let’s all be happy. why are you yelling. no don’t follow me. no crying. not fair. yeah well my face doesn’t want to see your face again either. wow. what did you say. I’m not going to bite. zipping my lip now. tossing the key. not gonna say it. no I’m not. not gonna. won’t. can’t make me. I’m done. I’m walking away. no I am not a pussy. I’m not that either. or that. jeez you made that one up. okay you’re going too far now. whoa. you just took it to another level. you’re pushing it. okay. that’s over the line. I wasn’t going to. I tried not to. too late for diplomacy. you pinched my button hard. SO GUESS WHAT SYLVIA. I DUMPED ALL YOUR STUPID TUNA BEAN CASSEROLES IN THE TRASH. there. I feel better now. so bye bye Sylvia. hey. no. what are you doing. Sylvia. no. no. Sylvia. no. please. no. put it down. count to ten. Sylvia. wait. don’t do it. we can be friends. at work. work friends. no Sylvia. no. don’t. please. Sylvia. AWWWSHHHITTT. what a frickin’ mess. well maybe you can throw your casserole on me Sylvia. but you can’t make me eat it. whoa now. Sylvia. what are you doing. get away. Sylvia. no. don’t. Sylvia no…………..
—C Driver
