To Prick The Festering Boil

Mirror Me
mirror mirror on your face
you mirror everything I say
I’m just like you
I think that too
I’ve always wanted to go there
babies yes
and all the rest
I’ll go with you to anywhere
I believed the mirror was sincere
until the day her face cracked
I looked inside where secrets hide
but emptiness looked back
she stole my thoughts and used them
as if they were her own
she thought it made her look good
until mama called her home
the mirror had betrayed me
toying heart and mind
and now had turned against me
the mirror lost its shine
the mirror had no feelings
the mirror had no shame
a devil stared back beaming
like she’d won some childish game
someday I’ll find somebody
whose face is not a mirror
and doesn’t need somebody else
and isn’t full of fear

—DL Madsen

Bad Porn
it was a passionate inequilateral love triangle
they loved to hate me
and I loved to stay as far away from them as possible

—DL Madsen

What Could It Be
I must have had something of value
something they didn’t have
something they wanted to take
for them to come after me so hard
I was already paying dearly
for my children living in their house
what more could they want
all I had left was my honesty and integrity
and clearly they didn’t value that
so what could it be

—DL Madsen

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

Anne lamott, bird by bird

Evil Energizer Bunnies
their insanity
just wears a person out
evil energizer bunnies
dodge and weave
punch and run
zig and zag
punch and run and hide
twist and shout
scream and punch and run and hide
the tough guys
are always insecure and afraid
their fear makes them desperate
and dangerous
and they never run out of juice
they just keep going
they must never sleep
thinking of how to mess with people
and pretending to be happy
that takes a lot of energy
but note to self
no person who is really happy
emotionally healthy
with even a scintilla of self awareness
ever spends one moment of time
trying to hurt another person
my wise mother told me
it doesn’t take much of a person to be miserable
but it takes one hell of a person
to deal with the miserable people
and it has been truly exhausting
trying to be one hell of a person all these years

—DL Madsen

If I’m Being Fair
no denying it
they were meant to be together
the love of my life they said
from the very first drink
and lie
it was one after another
they couldn’t get enough
it’s not often you find someone just like you
hating all the same people
families exes children
themselves
and hating every color equally
which some would say is racist
but they call it being fair
they supported each other in everything
picking each other up
from liquor soaked floors
or the hard ground
only pausing the yelling and screaming
for another drink
or to lash out again
at the easiest targets they can find
they had a monocular vision
only seeing themselves
through the dark tunnel they dug
everything and everyone else
even innocent children
were only in their way
such a shining example
the love of my life they said
no denying it
they were meant to be together
on a tiny deserted island somewhere
never to be heard from again

—DL Madsen

C’mon Be Real
once you do damage to another person
you can’t take it back
you don’t get a mulligan
shoving a gift in someone’s face
is meaningless to everyone but you
there is no goodness after child abuse
you can’t make it better
once you go there
that’s what you are
who you are
you’re not a good guy
or a fun guy
or a loving guy or gal
no person who chooses to hurt another
has love inside of them
they must even hate themselves
you can’t erase it with a smiley photo
or phony obituary
you can’t wave a wand
and pretend it never happened
or maybe you can
but there sure as hell isn’t any love in that

—DL Madsen

The Actor
it’s pretty sad
lying to yourself about who you are
it affects everyone you touch
but if you do it enough
you get pretty good at it
and it gets easier and easier
so you just keep going
and at some point
it takes more courage than you have to stop
and your big balled up lie
becomes your little life
you become an actor more than a liar
and when it’s that easy to lie to yourself
how hard can it be to lie to anyone else

—DL Madsen

The Confession
I picked up the phone and said hello

hello ASSHOLE he said

why are you calling me
are my kids okay

nothing happened to your FUCKING kids ASSHOLE
you need to have more RESPECT

really
can I speak to my children please

listen ASSHOLE
don’t ever disrespect me or my wife again

yeah well
I can’t respect anyone who hurts children

nobody’s hurting anybody ASSHOLE
you need to mind your own business

my children are my business
can I speak to them please

they’re not here ASSHOLE

okay then when will they be home

none of your business ASSHOLE
and I don’t want you calling
or coming here anymore

yeah well that’s not your call
I have joint custody of my kids
does their mother know you’re calling me

listen up ASSHOLE
you better start respecting us
or you’ll never see those kids again

what the hell is that supposed to mean
you’re kidding right
threatening me and my children

I’M NOT THREATENING ANYBODY
I’M TELLING YOU THE WAY IT IS

who are you again

MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU’LL EVER BE

a real man wouldn’t abuse small children
even if they were your own
which they’re NOT

I NEVER ABUSED THOSE LITTLE ASSHOLES

look we both know you’re lying
if hurting kids is okay in your mind
why are you hiding it

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE
YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING

I know you hurt my children

WELL THE LITTLE FUCKERS DESERVED EVERYTHING THEY GOT

WOW
you need help man

FUCK YOU YOU ASSHOLE
YOU’RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS HELP
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ASSHOLE

at least you finally admitted it
that’s a big step

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE
I NEVER ADMITTED NOTHING

and SLAM
the phone went dead
he confessed
but I really think he just wanted me to hear it
a way to abuse me too
I’ve been fighting these people legally every step
but there is this whole culture of friends and relatives
that makes it nearly impossible
all I could think about was my kids
and what this guy might do now
and why their mother
doesn’t love and protect her children
she’s part of the crime
how can I stop them all

this guy called my precious children little assholes and fuckers
he probably doesn’t even know their names

—DL Madsen

Dazzled
the first time we met
I was dazzled by your arrogance
sparkling like fake diamonds
in a young teen’s costume tiara
your sisters were right
about that at least
I looked but I just couldn’t see it
no overwhelming beauty or intelligence
no culture or worldliness
no fame or fortune or prodigy
no high art or skill
was it the charming ignorance
that made you feel so awesome
it was such a mystery
even when we met again
after decades of you living in la la land
and me in reality
to see you haven’t changed at all
and I was dazzled all over again

DL Madsen

A Million Miles
the therapist said
can you accept that he’s gone

but he’s just across town I said

what if you never see him again

but he’s only thirty minutes away

you said yourself
it feels like a million miles

but he’s part of me
I raised him for his first five years
we were inseparable
an incredible bond

trauma can dismantle lives
steal identities
alter brains and minds

it’s like he was kidnapped
and came back as somebody else
and he didn’t have a choice

it’s a tragedy
you can’t help him
you can’t hug him
or look him in the eyes
and tell him how much you love him
it’s an enormous loss

I feel helpless

you don’t ever have to stop loving him

I never will
he deserves peace and happiness
with or without me in his life
but it’s so hard not to know him

you’re grieving the loss of a child
of hopes and dreams
for him and you and your family
an intimate human connection severed

it’s not fair

no it’s not fair

it’s as if he really died

yeah it is

except he’s alive I said

yeah the therapist said

—DL Madsen