Away
a million miles
a million years
a million wishes
a billion tears
—DL Madsen
To Prick The Festering Boil
Her Choice
it’s a choice
can’t blame her childhood
she wanted to escape it
wanted a different future for herself
and her own children
but in the end she couldn’t do it
she did the easy thing
and ruined two more childhoods
abuse was her choice
—DL Madsen
Face Of True Evil
my seven year son old called
dad can you come over
I have something to tell you
when you get here
mom said it’s okay
hmm curious
but I never wanted to miss
any chance to see my kids
I was with a friend
so we drove to my ex’s house
and pulled in the driveway
my son came to the driver’s side
and as if on cue
before I could say or do anything
he said
I don’t love you
I never want to see you again
don’t ever come back here
don’t call me
I don’t want to talk to you
you never took care of me
no woman will ever have you
leave me and my brother alone
maybe not the exact words
but pretty near
and I went numb
my friend was stunned too
those weren’t my son’s words
and he didn’t even look at me
we were together a few days ago
I was the parent
who stayed home and raised him
for almost five years
special bond
constant companions
nothing but love and hugs ever
I called to him
as he marched back to the house
where the face of true evil
struck a pose
holding the door wide open
for her new little soldier
wanting us to see her
smiling
almost laughing
at her job well done
I could never have imagined
anything so sick
what had she done to my son
for him to do that
both of my sons were in that house
and I knew I would never stop trying
to help my children
because the face of true evil
is really really really ugly
—DL Madsen
Switch On
she wears it like an accessory
a scarf or hat
or her smile
switch on to impress
switch off when no one is looking
depending on the narrative
she wants to create
look at me
I’m a good Christian she says
for the moment anyway
in five minutes or an hour
who knows
the smile hides her fear
she’s no saint
that’s what scares her
she doesn’t have goodness in her
like other people
but she can pretend
she’s really good at pretend
—DL Madsen
Dreams Of Montana
two young lovers
traveling the west for months
romance and adventure
on the open road
and we found Montana
I want to live here with you she said
I feel the same I said
so we went home
got married
sold everything
celebrated the hopes and dreams
of our new journey together
giddy with excitement
made plans
tied up lose ends
friends were jealous
I could feel the freedom
until out of the blue
my mother doesn’t think we should go she said
of course not I said
knowing I wasn’t a favorite
which was all the more reason
she thinks we should stay closer to home she said
that’s nice I said
but you hate her remember
let’s go
she’s just concerned
that we don’t have jobs
or a place to live
concerned all of a sudden
you said she never cared about you
or protected you
she doesn’t want us to make a big mistake
we’re young
we won’t know until we try
but maybe mom has a point
get jobs here
save money
go later
we’d never go I said
now is our time
something was happening
I didn’t understand
it was a total one eighty
from every word
thought
emotion
she had ever uttered
from the first moment we met
and it didn’t feel like a joke
it’s you and me now I said
we’re adults
we have to make our own decisions
it’s our life to live
my parents think Montana is too far away
you and I decided together
equal partners
you said it would be a dream come true
to get away from your family
you said you felt true happiness
being with me
and in Montana
I think we should wait she said
I was stunned
it’s all we had talked about
focused on
we told everyone
had a going away party
we were ready to go
I don’t want to go she said finally
choices swirled in confusion
as thoughts of freedom faded
along with any notion
of two young lovers
writing their own story
together
in the dreams of Montana
—DL Madsen
What It Is
few people knew my situation
I tried not to talk about it
it was embarrassing
painful
didn’t understand it myself
even when I made the choice
that landed me there
it’s hard to admit
that I had any connection
with people so untethered
who wanted nothing more
than to pull me into the cesspool
they swam in
but in writing about it
it’s important to be honest
and the honest thing is
to call them exactly what they are
that’s all they deserve
they’re not pretty
they haven’t acted pretty
you can’t make them pretty
perfume or lipstick or a nicer word
doesn’t change who they are
so after all these years
I don’t need to scream
like they did at me
I’ll just write words
for honesty’s sake
which leaves no choice
you just have to call shit
exactly what it is
—DL Madsen
Batshit Crazy
just plain batshit crazy
called me every vile thing
they could come up with
and when I didn’t engage
they taunted me
with p words
pathetic pussy pantywaist
screaming
laughing
the stuff of junior high bullies
they’d call my phone
scream obscenities
and hang up
I’d call to talk to my kids
they’d answer instead
scream
and hang up
I’d call back
but I couldn’t get through
for days sometimes
when I did get to speak to my kids
the captors were often
screaming in the background
or they’d grab the phone away
slam it down and unplug it
and when they got really paranoid
afraid of losing their prized objects
they would listen in
to what should have been
private conversations
they took the kids out of school early
to travel out of state
on my court assigned holiday weekends
twice
laughing all the way I’m sure
while I was the last car in the lot
who are you waiting for sir
they called the police
when I pulled in the driveway
to pick up my kids
and then when I waited in the street
disparaged me
to anyone within earshot
just constant harassment
they must have been really afraid of me
they were almost predictable
almost
but dealing with sociopaths
is batshit crazy
for any average person
and impossible for innocent children
the unfortunate captives
in all that insanity
if only I could have
simply plucked them out
taken them home
and loved them
the way every child in the world
should be loved
unconditionally
and free of fear
why couldn’t it be that easy
—DL Madsen
Cowardly Motherfuckers
no holding back now
let’s be clear
every single time
he screamed at
threatened
pushed
shoved
threw
yanked
kicked
slapped
punched
hit
or otherwise emotionally tortured
MY young
beautiful
innocent
vulnerable children
that cowardly motherfucker
should have been charged with assault
and taken away
and that’d be getting off easy
every single time
my ex-wife allowed
that cowardly motherfucker
to scream at
threaten
push
shove
throw
yank
kick
slap
punch
hit
or otherwise emotionally torture
OUR young
beautiful
innocent
vulnerable children
or did those things herself
always denying
every single time
she became a cowardly motherfucker too
and should have been charged
with neglect assault child endangerment
and taken away
the very first time
should have been
the end of the story
—DL Madsen
Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime
Herbert Ward
Children That They Are
they act
smarter
tougher
cooler
better
when really they are
narrow insecure cowards
children living in adult bodies
playing dangerous games
a seizure of development
no bonds held dear
no boundaries sacred
unable to experience healthy love
it wasn’t in the training
halted
stunted
limited
broken
too damaged to be aware
but not to carelessly share
the catastrophe of themselves
with the rest of us
pretending
mimicking human emotions
vacant of their own
a lifetime masterclass
lies and manipulation 101
sad in the beginning
sad in the middle
sad in the end
the lost
lonely
ashamed
detached
scared
children that they are
with all that emptiness
in their big adult bodies
a shame for humanity
a tragedy for themselves
and all who know them
—DL Madsen
“The past is never dead. It’s not even past. All of us labor in webs spun long before we were born, webs of heredity and environment, of desire and consequence, of history and eternity. Haunted by wrong turns and roads not taken, we pursue images perceived as new but whose providence dates to the dim dramas of childhood, which are themselves but ripples of consequence echoing down the generations. The quotidian demands of life distract from this resonance of images and events, but some of us feel it always.”
~ William Faulkner