To Prick The Festering Boil

To Prick The Festering Boil
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Fix You
maybe I thought it was love

trying to fix you
while you were breaking me
you begged my love
I gave it freely
you wanted my help
I gave my hand
I was so naive
you found your man
but married with children
just wasn’t your thing
staying out getting home
as the early birds sing
our two young boys
you left with me
and flew away
with all our money
but you came back
I paid the fare
and with your mother standing there
you stole my sons
without a care
you stole them
like I wasn’t there
they were a prize
you sought with fear
you didn’t want them
that was clear
where were they
while you had fun
they needed you
instead you run
you needed them
but not for love
you needed them
to push and shove
the very thing you claimed to hate
your childhood
had stayed too late
now lives are littered all around
some grasp at breath
some cry out loud
in the shadows all alone
beating heads against the stone
it makes no sense
there is no sorry
the guiltless plight
of a mother’s fury
no magic pill
there are no tricks
you can’t fix something
that can’t be fixed

—DL Madsen

“I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape”

Charles Dickens (Great Expectations)
To Prick The Festering Boil
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Sorry
what do abusers
tell their children
when the children leave the house

do they say be careful
be safe
be aware
live your dream
I love you
I trust you
be yourself
have a great time
be kind
be respectful
be tolerant
enjoy

or maybe they say
don’t treat anyone the way I treat you

I doubt it
I think it’s more like
keep your mouth shut
don’t trust anyone
what goes on in this house is nobody’s business
no one would believe you
I’m the only one who cares about you
be home on time
OR YOU’LL BE SORRY

—DL Madsen

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The Matriarch Of Secrets
she tried to make up
to me and my family
for almost twenty years
but there just is no making up sometimes
she even showed up at my father’s visitation
not because he died
but because it was an opportunity
to try to weasel her way
back into good graces
but it wasn’t for us to forgive
and it all felt very insincere
so we smiled instead of screamed
doing our best to ignore her
and her acting and pretending
that we should all snap a happy photo
no acknowledgement
no self awareness
only fear
that somebody knew who she really was
that her secret is out
no guilt
no conscience
just taking care of herself
abusers don’t want
to be thought of as abusers
they want you to forget
and trust
and let them take control

the matriarch of a culture
who understood the consequences
an old lady now
broken
narrow
defined
groveling
wishing away all the damage
begging to be liked
sucking up
pure and simple manipulation
and I don’t want to participate

at a grandchild’s birthday party
we did our best to ignore her
until before leaving
and with desperate audacity
she appeared in front of where I sat
between two grandchildren on a stair
leaned down so close to me
that our noses may have touched
stared into my eyes
and whispered unconvincingly
the only words spoken between us for years
she said
she knew how happy
we would all be together
at family celebrations in the future
then she waited
with a limp smile
for something
so I waited too
I didn’t move
I didn’t say a word
I looked straight back into her
and all I saw was fear
and when she did pull away
she looked lost
I guess she didn’t get what she wanted

soon after that
I heard she’d gone inward
shutting herself off
until the end
there is no joy in any of it for anyone
and perhaps she had an epiphany
but if she did
it’s just another secret
in a life full of them

—DL Madsen

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The First Time I Met The Asshole With My Name
I pulled in the driveway
and he was on the front stoop
of my ex-wife’s house
stern face
button down dress shirt
hands stuffed in the pockets of dark trousers
an uptight accountant maybe
guarding the palace from audit
or insurrection
I’d never seen this guy before
maybe he was there to do taxes
but I sensed from my children
that something was different at mom’s
and this guy didn’t exude warm and fuzzy
it felt like an ambush
so I’ll just get the kids and go
but they weren’t outside
ah crap

my ex-wife got to the car
as I opened the door
which she never does
with a big smile on her face
which she never has
and in a semi sweet voice
which I don’t remember
said way too politely
I’d like you to meet someone

ah god please no
I didn’t need to meet these guys
unless they’re going to be around my children
nah nah surely not

then she stepped back
grabbed the dude’s arm
pulled him forward
gazed at him faux adoringly
and said nervously
Dean I’d like you to meet Dean

whoa whoa whoa whoa WHAT
WTF
W…..T…..F
I was stunned
and momentarily confused
who is she even talking to
I mean you gotta be kidding me
REALLY
SERIOUSLY
this new guy’s name
IS THE SAME AS MINE
is nothing sacred
you couldn’t find a Jim or Bill or Wally
maybe you could try harder
or did all the other guys
have my name too
there can’t be that many of us
in all of North America
and oh the irony of my ex
still screaming my name
like a banshee princess
without missing a beat
oh how convenient
and priceless
Dean#2 REALLY
a fresh and twisted thorn
in an already prickly twilight zone bush
but come on man
WTF
get your own name

#2 puffed up like a turkey
worked his right hand out of his pants
and thrust it toward me like a threat
a bit of overcompensation
maybe low self esteem
but an ominous moment
and I could feel it
this guy wasn’t right

I looked at his suspended paw
and followed his arm up to a sour mug
that looked like it’d been punched
more than a few times
luckily my sons
came bounding out of the house
shoeless
pushing and pulling each other
arguing
brushing by #2
bouncing to the car
and hopping in

#2 glared at them hard
then at me
and dropped his arm to his side
pumping his fist a little
like he wanted to punch something
oh that’s perfect
one more crazy person in this horror show
maybe pissed was his natural look
but it gave me an uneasy feeling
about my children being around him
the bad energy was palpable

my ex’s pleasantries
turned to fury in a hurry
which was her default true self
not the woman I married
but the woman I asked for a divorce
THERE’S SOME SHIT WE NEED TO GET STRAIGHT she barked
there we go
that’s the kind of talk I expected
but only one swear word
she’s really showing off
another circus performance
for some kind of crowd
this lady had refused to talk to me
even one time
about the well being of our children
since the divorce
so this getting something straight crap
didn’t sound like a cordial conversation to me

cut and run I thought
okay bye I said
jumping into the car
trying to practice avoidance
although I knew from experience
what was coming
LISTEN ASSHOLE she yelled
DEAN IS GOING TO BE IN OUR LIVES
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT
SO YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT
the new guy stood there
with a stink face
to end all stink faces
backing up his new prize
maybe ready for action
maybe he was a real tough guy
but the way he looked at my children
was disturbing
red flags snapped and sirens howled
and my sons had no shoes
but no matter
we were safe in the car
and started our getaway
but as I backed out
the ex stalked the car
with the snarl of a disrespected predator
ready to pounce
YOU’RE A TERRIBLE FATHER
BUY YOUR CHILDREN NEW SHOES
AND HAVE THEM HOME ON TIME she shouted
OR YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER
AND I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

awesome
what a winning personality
I wasn’t going to say anything
but I was still learning

remember I said calmly
you and I
are the parents
you and I
have the obligation
to keep our vulnerable innocent beautiful children safe
and you and I
decide together how to discipline

it was a futile exercise
she didn’t hear a word even if she did
and continued her pounding
YOU PATHETIC PANTYWAIST
YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
NO WOMAN WILL EVER HAVE YOU
YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SMART
WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT
AND BUY YOUR KIDS NEW SHOES

I rolled up the windows for quiet and peace
from a voice that could break the universe
leaving a crazed mime
gesticulating wildly
in the rear view

and as we drove up the street
I could feel #2’s dark beady eyes
penetrating the car
while the Fellini character of his dreams
danced cray cray in the yard
it’s all so absurd
but none of it’s funny
something evil had attached itself
to the lives of me and my children
it gave me a sick feeling I never lost
this new guy
with my name
felt like big trouble

—DL Madsen

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My Disease
my disease
is wanting to save him
even though
I know it doesn’t work that way
it is the worst feeling
to know your child is suffering
I wanted him to be safe
and know how much he was loved
and worthy of a good life
no matter what ignorant people say or do
but they didn’t want him to know me
a lifetime of obstacles
veiling dark intentions
with such destructive energy
but I kept faith
that a light would find him
and he would find his way
out of the insanity of his childhood
to the peace he deserved
I would have done anything
if there was anything more I could do
but listen
be patient
and be honest with him
more honest than I was with myself
but sometimes
the disease is so powerful
it takes your breath
you can’t feel your heart beat
you go numb
the cure is not working
the disease is destroying you
and sometimes it offers no choice
but a surrender
after you vowed you never would
before it kills you both

—DL Madsen

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Can You Imagine
what would it feel like
being a child
who wakes up every morning afraid

afraid to displease their captors

paralyzed by the fear of never knowing
when the next bomb
or fist
will drop on their no longer innocent life

anxiety on high alert

afraid to run
and afraid not to

afraid to call for help
for fear of getting none

our young innocents
trapped and terrorized
in war torn countries
and war torn families
who live down the street

can you imagine being a child
who goes to bed at night
afraid to go to sleep
and afraid to wake up

—DL Madsen

No More (2016)

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A Call
I got to the car without the keys
again
damn keys
I’ve been a little stressed
work sucks
I’m there too much
gotta pay bills
then there’s the ex
messing with me all the time
I’m worried about my kids
the stepdad’s mean
I know something’s not right
we need to talk about our children
she won’t talk to me about anything
and she’s gettin’ worse
she calls her lawyer all the time
threatens to sue me
or drag me into court again

how is it a person
who claims to be so much happier
not being married to me
acts so frickin’ miserable

so I went back in the house
the keys were waiting in the obvious place
I grab em’
and and head for the door
when the phone starts ringing
shit
don’t want to answer but
it could be another family medical emergency
that was always a possibility
throughout my life
stuff happened weekly, daily sometimes
I’d feel terrible if I missed something

or maybe as a very outside chance
it was one of my kids
sneaking a call
upset and wanting to talk to me
as had happened frequently lately

I had to answer it
it could be life or death
or at least something important
so I picked up and said hello

YOU SONOFABITCH YOU ASSHOLE YOU FUCKIN’ THINK YOU’RE SO FUCKIN’ SMART FUCK YOU ASSHOLE I’M GONNA FUCKIN’ TEACH YOUR STUPID ASS WHO’S SO FUCKIN’ SMART YOU FUCKIN PRICK NO WONDER AIN”T NO WOMAN EVER WANT YOUR FUCKIN’ ASS AND WHERE”S MY CHILD SUPPORT IT”S LATE AGAIN YOU PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE

wow
when she took a breath
I took a chance and said calmly
I always pay child support on time
check the records
it goes to the state
whatever they do after that
has nothing to do with me
so maybe you should call them

I felt like I was talking her down from a ledge

YOU MOTHER FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE YOU DON”T GIVE A FUCKIN’ DAMN ABOUT YOUR KIDS YOU FUCKIN’ WAIT TILL MY LAWYER HEARS ABOUT THIS YOU ARE A PATHETIC PANTYWAIST OF A BULLSHIT HUMAN BEING FUCK YOU ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIT
and the phone SLAMMED down

I hung up amazed once again
got my bearings
and headed for work
with the wrath
of the happiest woman in the world
ringing in my head
probably for a full day
or until next time
and I never said it out loud
but I thought it
bitch

—DL Madsen

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I Tried
I tried
they wouldn’t listen
I begged please
they didn’t want to hear it
I tried reason
but they had their own
and were deaf to me
so I screamed
for my own good
and walked away
silent and invisible

it was their destiny
but I had to try
it’s not easy knowing things
it hurts
to not make a difference
but in the end
I just have to keep moving
knowing that I tried

—DL Madsen

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The Point

there’s always a point

a tipping point

a last chance

before something happens

because it has to

for better or worse

one way or another

see it coming or not

even the most loyal people

have a point

where they walk away

— DL Madsen

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Two Drunks Coming
look out everybody
two drunks coming
towing a big RV
down a road near you
searching for people
to drink with and lie to
never looking back
at the movie
of all they destroyed

two drunks
somehow motivated
to hurt children
at their leisure
between drinks
without a care
then wave bye bye
two sad people
broken and limited
without conscience
or humanity
or ability to love
not even each other

two drunks
with no boundaries
no white lines
no true north compass
miserable
together or alone
pretending
because they don’t know
how else to behave
two drunks on the road
escaping reality
while innocents struggle
in the rearview

look out everybody
two drunks coming
and they don’t
have a care in the world

— DL Madsen